Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
