Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
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