We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
