In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
