I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
