I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
being pregnant is like rehab
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
