I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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