OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
