My friends, they love my intelligence
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
Randomize
