Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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