so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
