You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
