Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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