Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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