I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
