i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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