Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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