Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
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