ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Randomize
