Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
im six kinds of drunk right now
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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