I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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