fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
