final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I need mimosas to revive my soul
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Randomize
