I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
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