I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
We smell like vodka and hangover
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