Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
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