Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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