i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Randomize
