david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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