and next time when you feel me up, do it right
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Randomize
