nut hugger
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
