Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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