Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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