i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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