Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
