Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Randomize
