I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
The beer is more important than you right now.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
as a side note pls kill me
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
