just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
