So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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