I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Randomize
