My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
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