On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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