my mouth tastes like poor choices
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Randomize
