You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Randomize
