my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Randomize
