My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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