I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
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