He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
