69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
