So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Randomize
